Sometimes I feel like two different people.  There's the one Jess that has her life together and she's focused and driven and motivated.  The other one is the opposite.  She's fatalistic and lazy and lives to procrastinate.  Which one of me will win?  I want to be doing something different but that takes lots of effort.  Can someone just fix my life for me?  I went to visit my friend Jayne.  Jayne just bought a house and she wants me to move in with her.  Somehow I just can't make myself want to move away from campus.  I like the life, the transition-ness of this place.  I LOVE the green house with all it's drafty craziness.  Why can't I grow up?  I'm not ready to settle down.  Is that okay?

So my new thing is gratitude.  I need some.  My father reminded me that I have "the-grass-is-greeneritis" really bad.  What happens is I plan on being happy at a different time, in a different place, under different circumstances. The well known irony of the situation is that my malcontented attitude will follow me to every new circumstance.  And so I am learning to be grateful for what I have.  It makes me a happier, more positive person.   This quote from President Monson's talk "Finding Joy in the Journey" is fantastic and really made an impression on me.  He said; "Said the Lord in a revelation given through the Prophet Joseph Smith, 'In nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things.'  May we be found among those who give our thanks to our Heavenly Father.  If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues."     

Currently I'm not very disciplined when it comes to my schedule, my finances, working out, etc.  The fact is that I am a very laid back, chill, flexible person.  (Most of the time... there are exceptions to this.)  What this means is that I have only recently paid off my credit card, I have no savings, I'm over weight, and I'm tired because I can't seem to get to bed on time.  Not being able to get to bed on time is a sign that I have awesome friends and roommates (who are also friends) that are fun to talk to into the wee hours of the morning.  My body isn't so grateful for good friends the next day when it has to function, however, and wishes I would care for it in a more responsible manner.  Oh, body.  Why are you so needy all the time?  Part of my problem is that I have always felt very entitled.  My parents made amazing sacrifices for me so that I wouldn't have to sacrifice to get what I wanted.  They helped med significantly through college and supported me on my mission.  My father wisely cautioned me that because of parental interference my experiences wouldn't be as meaningful.  He is right.  "... the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph..."  Thomas Paine.  I still got a great deal of good from those experiences but it would have meant more if I had sacrificed to achieve my goals.  Well, what's done is done but I'm realizing a problem in my thought process.  It's hard for me to realize that $13,000 is earned one dollar at a time.  Small retrenchments in my spending patterns can get me where I want to go.  Rate of goal achievement is directly related to my dedication in sacrificing behaviors that impede my progress.   So, what am I to do?  I can either stay the same and hate myself for not achieving my potential or I can stretch myself through the slightly uncomfortable but ultimately rewarding process of change.  The fact that I've lived this way all my life is an obstacle.  As we see ourselves doing new things we feel strange and not like ourselves.  Is this me getting up at 5am to exercise?  Is this me saying no to dinner with friends to save money?  Is this me bringing my lunch to work every day to be more healthy?  It's a surprise until new behavior becomes custom.   I almost have myself convinced...

Oh, snow.  Why are you so cold all the time?