Tonight is the last night of September. It's turned quite chilly. The brisk air is delicious but has taken me by surprise. It was a productive day today. Whenever I work at the hospital, though, I get really stressed out by all the other things I have to do. Then I get home and I bomb. Do nothing. Revert to a vegetative state. I've got a lot to do.

Ready, Fire, Aim!!!

According to my dad, I live my life by the motto: Ready, Fire, Aim. It's probably true. I'm full of impulses but I've just barely started acting on them. I've always been impulsive but too afraid to do anything about it. Now I'm jumping off bridges left and right thinking about the consequences on the way down. Oops. Or maybe I'm jumping off bigger bridges. The trick will be to allow the Spirit to be a steadying influence in my life. I need (many) voices of reason. For some reason I've been to see the bishop in my ward three times in about six months. That's unheard of for me. I NEVER go talk to the bishop unless he called me in for an interview. This behavior is very new for me. But I feel compelled to do it. It's probably because the Lord knows I need the counsel of Bishop Boyer. I don't like to be the one asking for help and needing to talk with the bishop at 9:30 at night. He's busy and tired and has a whole ward full of people who need him. Who am I to occupy his time. And yet I go. And so my need is great. Help me to understand the Lord's will before it grows too late. Thanks Bishop for your sacrifice of time and your good counsel. Thanks to all your assistants who help you serve the ward. Thanks Heavenly Father for restoring the gospel and putting in place the organization of the church for our edification.

A very wise woman reminded me that I needed to keep up with my journal. So this is my entry for tonight: I was SUPER productive at work today. FHE was good. The three mile walk I took with Williams was very helpful. And tea. And cookie. And now it's time for bed. But I'm thankful for all the good things in my life that keep me mostly sane. PS the walk was taken barefoot. Very liberating.

Today I said something that made my boss want to scream. It wasn't my fault. But it was pretty hugely big. She didn't scream, though. Nor did she implode. I'm impressed.

The other thing of note that happened today is that I was in the turning lane headed toward the stoplight when the car in front of me swerved wildly and suddenly into the other lane. Having lived in Utah for a year and a half now I was able to take it all into stride. I glanced over and, oddly enough, the indecisive guy in the swerve happy car was a kid I knew from my time in Moscow, ID. What are the odds?

For FHE we did a service project and I got to hang out with some cool people in my ward. One girl is a convert attending the temple every day and participating in 6 or 7 (I forget how many) institute classes this semester. She also is a chef, training for a marathon, and works out a ton. She has 10 different journals. Can I be like her when I grow up? The only thing that makes this all okay is that I don't think she's working... I could be wrong but that would just be so depressing. Whatever universe.

Confession #2

I had a friend who had very rich grandparents as I was growing up. It seemed like ever Sunday my friend would show up in a new "poofy dress," their gift to her. They were the princess kind of dresses that swirled deliciously as one twirled and made one feel quite important since it took two chairs instead of one to contain the enormity of ruffles. The injustice of it all was that she always had ruffly socks to match. Attired in my simple jumpers my little heart longed for a poofy dress so that I, too, could keep the world at distance with all my lace. I would pray at night that a poofy dress would appear in the living room. One day I prayed over and over. I'd go into the room I shared with my two brothers and kneel down and plead for a poofy dress then I'd run into the next room to see if it had arrived. It didn't. I'm happy to report that the experience did not shake my faith in a higher power. I simply learned that one doesn't pray for poofy dresses. By the time I was eight I did obtain a poofy dress that was lovely and twirly and every good thing. It was blue. It had puff sleeves. In relating this tale I'm confessing that ever since I was young I have been vain and covetous. Maybe someday I'll grow out of it.

Confession #1

When I was a little girl I was very sensitive to the fact that we didn't have much money. I don't know how I absorbed that information. I always had everything I needed plus some. My two brothers and I shared a room. We had tons of toys. We lived in the comfortable basement apartment of a house. The yard was the best part. There was plenty of room inside but the yard was the best part! So fun! I remember when we got huge, long jump ropes and we'd all jump rope as a family. Once I was jumping on a mini-trampoline outside and a bee flew right by me. It was SOOOOOOO huge I thought it was at least five inches long and just massive. I was so scared! There was a time when I thought a giant spider lived inside the mini-trampoline. I was bouncing on it and I thought I saw huge, hairy legs poke out and I was afraid of it forever after. Gross. I've always hated spiders. Here is my confession: once I told my brownie's leader that we were poor and she later asked my mom if the brownie troop needed to have a fund raiser or a caned food drive for our family. My mother was mortified. Sorry mom! Related incident: I was taking dance from KJ and we were talking about which lessons I would like to take and I said in front of my mom, KJ and the mothers of some of my friends that it didn't matter because we couldn't afford other classes anyway. This resulted in my getting private lessons. I guess KJ worked out something with my mom. I'm sorry I went around telling everyone we were poor! I'm sorry I couldn't keep my mouth shut! I'm sorry I caused you so much embarrassment!

breaking the silence

Every time I have a new idea I want to create a new blog. Upon pondering this concept, I soon realized I'd have hundreds of blogs. The challenge is that I'm feeling the need to confess things and send them out into the universe but I don't necessarily want to be connected to them. I need an outlet for some intense, sometimes frightening emotions and I don't want to scare the world. Sorry world. I guess you'll just have to know exactly what I'm thinking.

A lot has happened. So many changes. My business is coming along. I just completed a cleanse. I need to get out of Utah. I've almost decided what I want to be when I grow up. I've started taking medication for PCOS. I really need to deep clean my room. I need $900 next week. I need to make fliers like nobody's bad business. I went on a date with a fascinating boy. I have two "puppies." I need to pay off my car. I need to go to Uruguay.