Today was not how I thought it'd be but it was nice. The poor cat is desperate to live inside where it's warm. I've been connecting with people I need to connect with. A new class is starting at the studio and I get to teach it!!! Good things are happening. And I'm going on a date tomorrow. Whether that's a good thing or not is yet to be seen. I got to spend 6 hours talking to someone today. It's not what I anticipated doing. But it was lovely. Institute was good, too. Tomorrow I head home. It's gonna be a FAST trip but it'll be worth it. Yay for family!

Tonight is the last night of September. It's turned quite chilly. The brisk air is delicious but has taken me by surprise. It was a productive day today. Whenever I work at the hospital, though, I get really stressed out by all the other things I have to do. Then I get home and I bomb. Do nothing. Revert to a vegetative state. I've got a lot to do.

Ready, Fire, Aim!!!

According to my dad, I live my life by the motto: Ready, Fire, Aim. It's probably true. I'm full of impulses but I've just barely started acting on them. I've always been impulsive but too afraid to do anything about it. Now I'm jumping off bridges left and right thinking about the consequences on the way down. Oops. Or maybe I'm jumping off bigger bridges. The trick will be to allow the Spirit to be a steadying influence in my life. I need (many) voices of reason. For some reason I've been to see the bishop in my ward three times in about six months. That's unheard of for me. I NEVER go talk to the bishop unless he called me in for an interview. This behavior is very new for me. But I feel compelled to do it. It's probably because the Lord knows I need the counsel of Bishop Boyer. I don't like to be the one asking for help and needing to talk with the bishop at 9:30 at night. He's busy and tired and has a whole ward full of people who need him. Who am I to occupy his time. And yet I go. And so my need is great. Help me to understand the Lord's will before it grows too late. Thanks Bishop for your sacrifice of time and your good counsel. Thanks to all your assistants who help you serve the ward. Thanks Heavenly Father for restoring the gospel and putting in place the organization of the church for our edification.

A very wise woman reminded me that I needed to keep up with my journal. So this is my entry for tonight: I was SUPER productive at work today. FHE was good. The three mile walk I took with Williams was very helpful. And tea. And cookie. And now it's time for bed. But I'm thankful for all the good things in my life that keep me mostly sane. PS the walk was taken barefoot. Very liberating.

Today I said something that made my boss want to scream. It wasn't my fault. But it was pretty hugely big. She didn't scream, though. Nor did she implode. I'm impressed.

The other thing of note that happened today is that I was in the turning lane headed toward the stoplight when the car in front of me swerved wildly and suddenly into the other lane. Having lived in Utah for a year and a half now I was able to take it all into stride. I glanced over and, oddly enough, the indecisive guy in the swerve happy car was a kid I knew from my time in Moscow, ID. What are the odds?

For FHE we did a service project and I got to hang out with some cool people in my ward. One girl is a convert attending the temple every day and participating in 6 or 7 (I forget how many) institute classes this semester. She also is a chef, training for a marathon, and works out a ton. She has 10 different journals. Can I be like her when I grow up? The only thing that makes this all okay is that I don't think she's working... I could be wrong but that would just be so depressing. Whatever universe.

Confession #2

I had a friend who had very rich grandparents as I was growing up. It seemed like ever Sunday my friend would show up in a new "poofy dress," their gift to her. They were the princess kind of dresses that swirled deliciously as one twirled and made one feel quite important since it took two chairs instead of one to contain the enormity of ruffles. The injustice of it all was that she always had ruffly socks to match. Attired in my simple jumpers my little heart longed for a poofy dress so that I, too, could keep the world at distance with all my lace. I would pray at night that a poofy dress would appear in the living room. One day I prayed over and over. I'd go into the room I shared with my two brothers and kneel down and plead for a poofy dress then I'd run into the next room to see if it had arrived. It didn't. I'm happy to report that the experience did not shake my faith in a higher power. I simply learned that one doesn't pray for poofy dresses. By the time I was eight I did obtain a poofy dress that was lovely and twirly and every good thing. It was blue. It had puff sleeves. In relating this tale I'm confessing that ever since I was young I have been vain and covetous. Maybe someday I'll grow out of it.

Confession #1

When I was a little girl I was very sensitive to the fact that we didn't have much money. I don't know how I absorbed that information. I always had everything I needed plus some. My two brothers and I shared a room. We had tons of toys. We lived in the comfortable basement apartment of a house. The yard was the best part. There was plenty of room inside but the yard was the best part! So fun! I remember when we got huge, long jump ropes and we'd all jump rope as a family. Once I was jumping on a mini-trampoline outside and a bee flew right by me. It was SOOOOOOO huge I thought it was at least five inches long and just massive. I was so scared! There was a time when I thought a giant spider lived inside the mini-trampoline. I was bouncing on it and I thought I saw huge, hairy legs poke out and I was afraid of it forever after. Gross. I've always hated spiders. Here is my confession: once I told my brownie's leader that we were poor and she later asked my mom if the brownie troop needed to have a fund raiser or a caned food drive for our family. My mother was mortified. Sorry mom! Related incident: I was taking dance from KJ and we were talking about which lessons I would like to take and I said in front of my mom, KJ and the mothers of some of my friends that it didn't matter because we couldn't afford other classes anyway. This resulted in my getting private lessons. I guess KJ worked out something with my mom. I'm sorry I went around telling everyone we were poor! I'm sorry I couldn't keep my mouth shut! I'm sorry I caused you so much embarrassment!

breaking the silence

Every time I have a new idea I want to create a new blog. Upon pondering this concept, I soon realized I'd have hundreds of blogs. The challenge is that I'm feeling the need to confess things and send them out into the universe but I don't necessarily want to be connected to them. I need an outlet for some intense, sometimes frightening emotions and I don't want to scare the world. Sorry world. I guess you'll just have to know exactly what I'm thinking.

A lot has happened. So many changes. My business is coming along. I just completed a cleanse. I need to get out of Utah. I've almost decided what I want to be when I grow up. I've started taking medication for PCOS. I really need to deep clean my room. I need $900 next week. I need to make fliers like nobody's bad business. I went on a date with a fascinating boy. I have two "puppies." I need to pay off my car. I need to go to Uruguay.

Things that I'm into:

Acupuncture

Artichoke hearts in brine

Sitting in my comfy chair with Riley-cat on my lap

Dreaming about the future and making is come true

Going to Mexico with awesome people to do awesome things

Elder Bednar gave an amazing fireside yesterday about things that are real.  He spoke about our bodies and how they are such a gift.  Anything that takes us away from the physicality of this life can potentially be damaging.  He spoke about distracting on-line pseudo realities that take us away from life.   Like when I want to read instead of work out or watch movies instead of make healthy food.  No more distractions.  It's time to live life in my body.

Yay for good weather! News update: I've moved. I now live in heaven. The Green House experience will be a treasured memory but now I've moved into The Burrow and it is divine. There is peace, harmony, and a dishwasher. It's lovely. I experienced all the usual side effects of change: hyperactivity followed by a crash, super sensitive emotions, and the initiation of new dreams. I get to live with Jayne, Valerie, Jack Jack, and Riley. The rules are MUCH less relaxed in non-BYU approved housing. Just kidding. Jack Jack is a turtle and Riley is a cat. And Jayne and Valerie are fabulous. Our neighbors are charming. Kitty (Caddy) Corner neighbor brought Jayne over apples and Koolaid. Just West neighbor is a Brit who lived in Victoria and knows what it is to have had tea at the Empress Hotel. Her dog may be the most obese mammal I've ever encountered. He thinks our yard is a restroom. Directly in Front neighbor sells Avon and is going to get me some blush. To the East neighbors have several very cute kids who are unmolested by traffic. Riley spends a lot of time in their yard. Life at The Burrow is going to be charming.

I am waiting for my cheesecake.  The fact is that I hate sick food.  Food that gives the appearance of deliciousness but tastes like garbage is not worth my time.  I'm very choosey about where I will spend my calories... most of the time.  I've got to go rewind the last Pride and Prejudice VHS so I can put in the next one.  Bye!

Now that I'm old enough to pay attention to conference and not fall asleep (at least until the Sunday afternoon session) I'm noticing patterns.  October conference 2006 (?) everyone seemed to reference Matthew 11:28-29 : "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls."  

Several themes were apparent to me during this conference.  There was a lot of discussion about being strong and self reliant, being provident providers, focusing on the temple and temple covenants, using the gospel as a source of strength, etc.  

Elder Hales talk on overcoming addictions and appetites was REALLY interesting.  I've been thinking about my addictions and appetites that are out of control.  To counter balance my propensity to sit and ponder and do nothing about reaching goals I have developed the ability to be impulsive.  When I finally decide I want something or want to do something I want to do it now!  I want to satisfy my appetite for that particular thing/ activity.  This has led me into some self-imposed bondage.   I've never been deeply in debt or in any serious trouble but the idea that I have this character flaw is somewhat distressing and if I can't fix it now it could get me into trouble.  My personality doesn't really lend itself to cool, deliberate decision making.  I get the opportunity to grow.  Yay me.  

Sister Liffereth touched on another topic that is vitally important: respect.  Do we really respect each other and our differences?  My generation and the ones that follow have lost the desire to treat others equitably.  We have no respect for others and we have no self respect because we don't understand the principles of sacrifice.  When we sacrifice for what we want we gain self respect and we can recognize the sacrifices others have made and treat them accordingly.  Can we work to achieve our goals?  Can we push ourselves beyond our limits?

My Grandpa Peterson used to say: "work will win while wishy, washy, wishing won't."  Work will win self respect and respect for the work of others.  Work will win the goals we wish to achieve.  Work will win while getting into debt to appease over active appetites won't.  Time to go to work.  

Sometimes I feel like two different people.  There's the one Jess that has her life together and she's focused and driven and motivated.  The other one is the opposite.  She's fatalistic and lazy and lives to procrastinate.  Which one of me will win?  I want to be doing something different but that takes lots of effort.  Can someone just fix my life for me?  I went to visit my friend Jayne.  Jayne just bought a house and she wants me to move in with her.  Somehow I just can't make myself want to move away from campus.  I like the life, the transition-ness of this place.  I LOVE the green house with all it's drafty craziness.  Why can't I grow up?  I'm not ready to settle down.  Is that okay?

So my new thing is gratitude.  I need some.  My father reminded me that I have "the-grass-is-greeneritis" really bad.  What happens is I plan on being happy at a different time, in a different place, under different circumstances. The well known irony of the situation is that my malcontented attitude will follow me to every new circumstance.  And so I am learning to be grateful for what I have.  It makes me a happier, more positive person.   This quote from President Monson's talk "Finding Joy in the Journey" is fantastic and really made an impression on me.  He said; "Said the Lord in a revelation given through the Prophet Joseph Smith, 'In nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things.'  May we be found among those who give our thanks to our Heavenly Father.  If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues."     

Currently I'm not very disciplined when it comes to my schedule, my finances, working out, etc.  The fact is that I am a very laid back, chill, flexible person.  (Most of the time... there are exceptions to this.)  What this means is that I have only recently paid off my credit card, I have no savings, I'm over weight, and I'm tired because I can't seem to get to bed on time.  Not being able to get to bed on time is a sign that I have awesome friends and roommates (who are also friends) that are fun to talk to into the wee hours of the morning.  My body isn't so grateful for good friends the next day when it has to function, however, and wishes I would care for it in a more responsible manner.  Oh, body.  Why are you so needy all the time?  Part of my problem is that I have always felt very entitled.  My parents made amazing sacrifices for me so that I wouldn't have to sacrifice to get what I wanted.  They helped med significantly through college and supported me on my mission.  My father wisely cautioned me that because of parental interference my experiences wouldn't be as meaningful.  He is right.  "... the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph..."  Thomas Paine.  I still got a great deal of good from those experiences but it would have meant more if I had sacrificed to achieve my goals.  Well, what's done is done but I'm realizing a problem in my thought process.  It's hard for me to realize that $13,000 is earned one dollar at a time.  Small retrenchments in my spending patterns can get me where I want to go.  Rate of goal achievement is directly related to my dedication in sacrificing behaviors that impede my progress.   So, what am I to do?  I can either stay the same and hate myself for not achieving my potential or I can stretch myself through the slightly uncomfortable but ultimately rewarding process of change.  The fact that I've lived this way all my life is an obstacle.  As we see ourselves doing new things we feel strange and not like ourselves.  Is this me getting up at 5am to exercise?  Is this me saying no to dinner with friends to save money?  Is this me bringing my lunch to work every day to be more healthy?  It's a surprise until new behavior becomes custom.   I almost have myself convinced...

Oh, snow.  Why are you so cold all the time?

To my friend Shandy

When I was in 7th grade I was driving one of my friends crazy.   In response to my antics she slapped me.  I totally deserved it.  Instead of being mad at her I got the picture that our conversation was over.  The end.  Well, just today I was freaking out and my dear friend Shandy had to listen to me.  Sorry Shandy.  You didn't need my emotional vomit.  I learned.  For now.  I hope.  

Changing Vision

My friends laugh at me because my life plans change about every 5 minutes on average.  There are so many fun things to do.  How shall I do them all?  I'm so blessed to have so many excellent friends.  If I had never moved to where I am now I should have never met them.  Sad.  But I did move and here I am surrounded by fantastic people.  Where shall I move next and whom next shall I meet?

It's time to change MY world

I think that's what I meant with the title of this blog.  I need to change my little world.  My funny funny little world as Shandy likes to call it.  Is there something wrong the fact that I've watched Much Ado About Nothing four times in five days?  Could that be considered unhealthy?  

I've learned that I'm not as good at moderating my calories and I initially thought.  Marian and I decided that the goal is to be in a 500kcal/ day deficit.  (kcal means kilocalorie)  The truth is that I'm not so good at that.  Also, I was teaching a class today about overeating and why we do it.  I was pondering on why I sat down and ate half a medium vegetarian pizza with Stef the other weekend.  So what happens is I rarely have pizza and when I do I'm generally watching a movie while eating and thus I eat 1000 calories before I even know I'm doing it.  Not so healthy.  I've learned that to overfeed myself and overload my system is wasteful and unhealthy.  And so I shall try to alter my behavior.  

The end of the story

I've decided that I'm not a good reader.  All I want to do is get to the end of the book.  Rarely do I pause to enjoy where I'm at in the story to savor all the lovely details and picture myself in the scene with the hero/ heroine because I just want to know how it ends.  What's the result?  How do the problems resolve?  The feeling of finishing is so satisfying.  One can reach "The End" of a story.  This thirst for finality bleeds over into my life.  When a new chapter of drama begins in my little world I immediately want to know how it will end.  I was counseled today about finding joy in the journey.  The plot line may not play out for weeks or months so I might as well enjoy where I'm at now.  There's a general, hopeful feeling that the future will be an improvement to present woes but that's not necessarily the case.  Looking forward to some future event to complete my happiness is just laziness.  I'm too lazy to find the fabulous in this very instant.  Maybe it's a lack of creativity.  Maybe I've over indulged my pessimistic side.  I bet it's a lack of gratitude.  President Hinckley counseled us to be grateful.  As I teach my nutrition classes I've been reflecting on the importance of gratitude for the way our bodies are right now.  Are our bones broken?  Are we on dialysis?  Can we run errands and clean the house, etc?  We feel health is status quo until we are unhealthy.  Once illness creeps into our lives we long for the blissful days when we could take our bodies for granted.  The human body is a miracle.  We do miraculous things every day without knowing.  Our hearts beat independent of conscious thought.  We don't force it to beat neither do we thank it for performing it's function so beautifully.  But when it stops... then we realize what it was doing for us.  Put your hand over your heart and thank it for keeping you alive.  

Awesome Quotes

"Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections."  - Unknown

The same person who shared this with me also shared a quote about how circumstances can influence who we are but in the end we are the product of our choices.  It's how we choose to deal with what we've been given.  

Elder George Q. Cannon said: "The Saints should always remember that God sees no as man sees; that he does not willingly afflict his children, and that if he requires them to endure present privation and trial, it is that they may escape greater tribulations which would otherwise inevitably overtake them.  If he deprives them of any present blessing, it is that he may bestow upon them greater and more glorious ones by-and-by."

I love light!

After the giant snow storm that took me by surprise I was delighted that the sun peaked through the clouds as if to say: "don't forget me.  I'll be back soon."  One of my favorite thing about Provo is that the mountains drape themselves in fluffy clouds to remind us how lofty they are.  They put on airs like fine and fashionable ladies.  Flaunting their ethereal accessories they gaze at the ants racing by below them.  I like to climb the mountains.  Borrowing their vantage point I gain perspective as I, too, gaze at the ants.  At the end of the excursion tragically I devolve into what I am: an ant.  But even as an ant I can appreciate the light that filters through to the "trenches."  Beams of light cut through haze and gloom to bring hope and remind us of the time we climbed the mountain.  The time when we remembered what was really important in life.  The time when we could see things as they really are.  Small.  Insignificant.  Confined to a small, inconsequential area of a much, much larger world.  

My take on life

People will always be full of surprises.  I think I can read people, I think I know what they're about, but then something totally unexpected happens.  When will I learn not to make assumptions?  I had an interesting experience on Saturday.  I learned that it's not cool to let a boy into your house when you're on a date.  But if you happen to let the boy in you just might find out that he's an insensitive jerk in spite of the fact that he tries to pass himself off as sensitive and chivalrous.   And what if you don't know how you feel about the boy you were with on Saturday anyway?  What does that mean?  What should you do?  What if he's a really nice guy and you feel pretty comfortable around him?  

So I went to "He's Just Not That Into You" with some friends.  (Girls of course.)  It was amusing.  I feel it had some truth to it.  The problems was the whole "affair" bit of the story.  I loved the Jennifer Aniston - Ben Affleck story about how they did end up getting married.  That was a cool message in times like these when people DON'T get married.  In the end I'm not sure the movie made me a better person but I saw it anyway.   

Recognition is the first step

I realized the other day that I take work home with me and I take home to work.  It's not a good combination either way.  It's pretty unhealthy actually and it got me into some trouble...  So when I feel like I'm doing pretty good at trying to be a good person my flaws become more prominent and then I have to ask myself if I really want to change.  Do I really want to sacrifice my favorite sins and excuses?  I'm in the pre-contemplative stage of change.  I'm not convinced quite yet that I need to do what I feel I should.  By avoiding the necessary changes that are limiting my progression I'm choosing to remain, well, limited.  Another word for limited is damned.  I dam my own growth.  I was just re-reading a talk by Boyd K. Packer that really influenced my mission that reminds us that spiritual growth is just that: growth.  It doesn't happen all at once.  It's a lifelong process.  I mistakenly feel a sense of complacency and achievement at times in my life when I feel I'm doing okay.  The problem is that I could be doing AWESOME.  

Busy, but to what end?

Peace.  Be still.  

Let calm envelop you.

Smooth rushed and wrinkled thoughts.

Rapidly swirling feelings cloud the surface of the mind with emotional debris but arrive at no good place.

I weary myself running in pointless circles with no destination in the hope of appearing occupied, driven, important.  Ha.

The irony is that cool, deliberate effort, unhurried by false pretenses, will yield the desired results.

Even a Child Can Understand

Elder Gerald Causse gave an awesome talk that I was re-reading today. Some things stood out to me:

It is impossible for a man to be saved in ignorance.

The glory of God is intelligence. It is to be obtained line upon line and precept upon precept. And, as Elder Causse points out, even a child can understand the initial principles of the gospel that deepen and intensify eternally until our knowledge is perfect in that thing. I love that he reminded us that all the saving principles, doctrines, and commandments are taught even before baptism. Even those who are not yet ready to make covenants can know all.

Even a child can figure out that God, Christ, and the Spirit are three different people.

His example of the baptism of Christ as seen through the eyes of a child is so beautiful. A child will visualize exactly what they hear. The exercise of listening to the story as if I were a child made it obvious in the black and white way that kids process things. How did adults make such a mess of a simple truth?

"Men raise 5000 roses in the same garden and they do not find in it what they are looking for."

That's so true on so many levels. This is such a cute quote designed to teach that the care and diligence we invest in something makes it special. Our sacrifice dedicated the object whatever it may me. It reminds me of Kung Fu Panda and how there's no secret ingredient. To make something special we only have to believe that it's special. It also reminds me of the Gettysburg Address "we cannot dedicate - we cannot consecrate - we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract." Abraham Lincoln was a master. The point is that sacrifice is proportionate to value. Thomas Paine said: "What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives everything its value." We'll finish this section with another quote from the Little Prince: "But the eyes are blind. One must look with the heart."

"In serving God and our neighbors, we witness of Christ and allow those around us to get to know Him better."

This brings to mind my favorite quote that is apparently by Marianne Williamson and it says: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I think this is one of the most powerful and influential quotes I've ever read. I was just thinking about why we let fear govern our actions. I feel our society suffers from a severe lack of hope. We don't truly believe we can be a force for good. We don't truly believe we can change. That's why we're comfortable with darkness and we stay there. It's comfortable and effortless. But shining is a different matter. You make yourself vulnerable in a way when you stop "playing small." But by the time you've reached that you don't care anymore and you're breathing the free air of a liberated soul.

Are you using your powers for good?

So when I was in college the big thing was homestarrunner.com.  It's a cartoon site that's fairly creative and amusing.  On one section of the site you can e-mail Strong Bad, one of the characters.  In one e-mail Strong Bad asks his correspondent if he's some kind of robot, if he has powers, if he's using his powers for good or for awesome, and if they can join forces.  My favorite part is the question "are you using your powers for good or for awesome?"  That became my mantra on my mission.  We're all pretty good, but are we awesome?  Am I using my powers to their full extent?  Am I pushing myself?  And so that was the impetus for my blog title power for awesome.   There's a quote I like by Margaret Mead that says:  "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world.  Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."  

Reflections on the Sacrament

Rev'rently I bow my head

Reach out my hand

Eat the bread

Pause and ponder Jesus Christ

His noble words

His sweet life

Now the water clean and pure

I hope always

to be sure

Teach me, Father, as I pray

To bear burdens

On my way

As I seek thy will each day

Peace and hope will 

Light my way

Give me strength and help me see

Those who struggle

Next to me

Caring for those who live hard by

Savior lend me

Thy pure eye

To find the sheep who shun the light

Out in darkness

Losing sight

God keep me from this blind state

Pain, confusion

Sorrow, hate

Healing power is in thy wings

With thy help my 

Spirit sings

Singing songs of redeeming love

Lead us all to

Courts above

Sabbath covenants help us gain

The holy path to

Thy domain

This is it! The big one... the one we've all been waiting for. Now my inane musings will be posted for the world to see. Are you scared? You probably should be.